I have a question, has anybody even noticed that in the About Column, something is wrong? Should have placed A.D instead of B.C
Otherwise u'd have a 3981 year old brudder. Hmm... but i'll leave the mistake around till this message gets to the archive... =)
10:24 PM
A letter...
What a day what a day what a day, why? Cause nothing happened. Yes that's right. Been stuck at home all the way.
Why again u may ask... CAUSE MY FREAKING STOMACHE IS NOT DOING ME ANY FAVOURS THATS WHY!
It still hurts, though not as often as yesterday, it still hurts. Oh for thou art the bane of my life. Why are you, the weakest link?!? Have i not pampered you with food, with drink, and spared you the torture of spices that burn your hands at every touch? The tastes that soothe the tongue has been despised by your walls. Have you gone mad?!?
You have made my life, a living hell, yes a hell not worth living. a hell that seeks to engulf me with a life led by the cold cold hands of solitude. Why do you bite the hand that feeds? Do you seek destruction? Do you seek to cease from your daily routine?
Return, return to a life worth living. Return to your former glory. Be strong, be kind, be good, be mine. Allow me to treat you, to a world of delight. a world, that not yet seen by your eyes. A world, so vibrant, it will span many lifetimes to explore. Allow me to bring you to this paradise. Reject not all that i offer, for none are evil.
Receive these gifts that approaches from these palms. Welcome them with open arms. Oh, but why do you cry again? What have i done that you should treat me this way? Must i drug you, persuade you with these remedies? That you might succumb to my will? Oh come to me softly, peacefully. and i will show you wonders, you have never seen. Believe.
For all those who have got no idea as to what i'm writing about, its a letter to my tummy. Freak.
9:58 PM
Saturday, February 14, 2004
Back Home
Good day, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm back from my appointment on that surgical table. Past few days have been terrible. fasting for one bloody day... drinking water mixed with medical juices.
Damn they don't even allow me to eat porridge. Alli can take is water water water. As usual they made me drink that stuff to help me purge my stomache. Shit, and literally speaking, within half and hour i was emptying myself out till i can't count. Main finale, i had to mix some powder with water and drink that litre of water for the hour and continue with the next sachet. Before i even finished 25 ml, i was puking my guts out already. Maybe cause i had to drink a half glass of medical juices before i took the mixture, i don't know... but hell, they told me to stop drinking if i started vomitting so i did.
Next day, was weak like a lamb. had milo, but didn't do me much good anyway. Stomache still hurt but what could i do? Can't medicine to kill the pain. Waited a bloody 1 hour too just to get myself poked in the hands so that the doc could pump anaesthetic into my blood stream.
Amazing thing was, i met my old college mate there, lying 1 bed away. Cool, at least at last now i don't think its an old man's disease. Seems i was gonna go through the same procedure as he was. It was surprising too to know that the nurse told him, there was a little problem and he kinda struggled even though he was under sedation.
Would i be like that too?? I wondered. Oh well, since i was there, might as well go through it, even if i would struggle like a dead chicken its for my own good right? Ok.. so there i was being thrown into the slaughter room. Told the butcher i couldn't finish the mixture. Damn, maybe cause i was like the last guy on his list, he seemed kinda frustrated and told me if he couldn't perform the procedure correctly, it'll be a waste of his time and my time. Of course i wanna make it through the first time!!!! U'd think i enjoy getting poked by a strange instrument!?!?!?! I followed specific instructions that if i started vomitting i should stop taking the mixture which i did! Come on be a little more professional and try to figure out why i started vomitting in the first place and how to work around it!!!!
Fortunately, after he pumped liquid into my blood stream, i knocked out. But then i had some strange sinking feeling, i was kinda semi conscious and felt a little pain as the scope went into my intestines. i felt my face grimace, then everything went black again.
When i woke up, i caught the guy at the bed opposite me leave. Damn he came in later then i did, how come he was dressed, looking so awake and leaving already? Hmm guess i might have been given a little more sedation. A little while later, the nurse came in with some milo and good old bread... los of bread. Good, fibre for my stomache. Maybe i shouldn't have woken then though, cause the pain woke me, not that i crawled back into the light, i was jolted into it.
Back home, its night, couldn't wait to get back into bed... but it was not to be. Every hour into the night i was waking up to go to the toilet cause of the pain. didn't sleep well at all. Sometimes i would just sit in there just to wait for the pain to go away.
Woke up again at 6 a.m couldn't go to sleep afterwards. Still hurting. Damn it! Was supposed to go some place tonight with friends, but even as i am writing this the throbbing pain won't let me go. Damn even my mum is sick, had fever the previous day and now she's coughing like mad. Yuck its like the sickness spirit has invaded our home. DAMN YOU!!! GO BACK TO HELL!
Oh how woeful my life has been. From las year till this year. Haven't been feeling good, emotionally, spiritually, physically. Maybe its cause of the weight gainer that i took that brought me to this plight. Freaking weight gainers. Cursed company that made those weight gainers... no wonder their not on the shelves anymore. Rot in HELL BIATCH!!!
WOrst thing is.... my next appointment is on my bluddy birthday... CAN ANYTHING GET BETTER THEN THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wat a year..wat a year... wat a year....
2:46 PM
Sunday, February 08, 2004
I don't understand
There is a strange sickening feeling that i have been having the past few months. Lethargy, sloth, insecurity, anxiety, fear, apathy, stress, depression... all these have been dogging me every single day, every single minute.
Everyone of them is like a bird, circling round my beaten carcass, ready to swoop down at any moment to peck at my decomposing flesh.
It seems that my body, has violent objections to experiencing the senses that of which belong beyond the closed doors of my abode, to commune with my fellow man. Life, as i know it, is falling into pieces. Work, and rest, have primarily become my sole reasons for surviving this torrid existence. My friends seem to have left me, knowing not the true explanation which seems to hound my every being.
Do i need require sheer will-power to overcome my "disabilities" ? Lack even i the motivation to open my libraries to enrich myself with the necessary skills, in my line of work. When i see loved ones fade away, bringing to simple clarity, my loneliness, the build up of disgust and hatred overwhelms the joy that i should have for them. What has happened? Where has my drive for life and for the happiness of others gone?
The social circle that has been built over the years continues to shrink as i progressively become older, yet no more wiser. The constant drudgery of my work has taken a toll on my skills honed when i was in educaton. From every angle, one might see that my purpose of living is only a statistic on the general population of this country.
Where has my Father gone? I know He is everywhere, and He listens to every word. Yet though i feel like Job, when all but favour seemed to befall upon him. I cry out in my heart to help me, to cure me, to bring me out of this misery, but answers have not come. What does my future hold?
My frame of mind, in fact, controls my every being. Even to how my body reacts; it is but a servant. My emotions chain my physical entity to its disposition. Damned it be.
Self-Control, i believe i have lack of it, and at this moment, is the one thing that i need. Father infuse me with this, and bring forth from me the fruits of the Spirit.
7:06 PM
you laugh, you cry, you spin, you die
There was a close friend of mine, who couldn't understand
The reason for living, who tried to form a band.
He looked to the sky, he searched for answers
All he had was rain, pelting down on him as he dances.
He tried to open his mind, to learn all that he could
He tried to listen all that he should.
Must he conform, to the mould of this world,
As it engulfs him, All he sees has all been curled.
Stepped into this existence, what challenges await him,
He is but a frail man, the future looks dim.
He searches for happiness, all he had was pain.
Fear takes a hold of him, there is nothing else for him to gain.
The struggle to break out of this claustrophobic existence
Is too much to bear.
Does anybody in this world... care?
Heaven i call on You, i beg You free me.
This hurt, this phobia it stings me.
I reach to You on the pinnacle of despair.
my life hangs in the balance, i tear at my hair.
Save me, deliver me, this demon it haunts me,
Need i say more, this friend is me, i decree....
