There is a strange sickening feeling that i have been having the past few months. Lethargy, sloth, insecurity, anxiety, fear, apathy, stress, depression... all these have been dogging me every single day, every single minute.
Everyone of them is like a bird, circling round my beaten carcass, ready to swoop down at any moment to peck at my decomposing flesh.
It seems that my body, has violent objections to experiencing the senses that of which belong beyond the closed doors of my abode, to commune with my fellow man. Life, as i know it, is falling into pieces. Work, and rest, have primarily become my sole reasons for surviving this torrid existence. My friends seem to have left me, knowing not the true explanation which seems to hound my every being.
Do i need require sheer will-power to overcome my "disabilities" ? Lack even i the motivation to open my libraries to enrich myself with the necessary skills, in my line of work. When i see loved ones fade away, bringing to simple clarity, my loneliness, the build up of disgust and hatred overwhelms the joy that i should have for them. What has happened? Where has my drive for life and for the happiness of others gone?
The social circle that has been built over the years continues to shrink as i progressively become older, yet no more wiser. The constant drudgery of my work has taken a toll on my skills honed when i was in educaton. From every angle, one might see that my purpose of living is only a statistic on the general population of this country.
Where has my Father gone? I know He is everywhere, and He listens to every word. Yet though i feel like Job, when all but favour seemed to befall upon him. I cry out in my heart to help me, to cure me, to bring me out of this misery, but answers have not come. What does my future hold?
My frame of mind, in fact, controls my every being. Even to how my body reacts; it is but a servant. My emotions chain my physical entity to its disposition. Damned it be.
Self-Control, i believe i have lack of it, and at this moment, is the one thing that i need. Father infuse me with this, and bring forth from me the fruits of the Spirit.
