Everyday, i travel via bicycle and the MRT to work and back home. I listen to my PALM as it plays MP3. Ever so often, as i feel the wind blowing against my face, i just loose my mind from work and studies and focus on the music and the environment that i'm in. Usually, on my way home, my mp3 would be playin that familiar tune, Bruce Springsteen's Secret Garden. Its slow, rhythmic sound matches the coolness that i feel as i journey on my way home. I look at everything with a new focus. Every single object, every molecule is looked upon with a sense of awe and wonder. How each physical mass is collectively put together to form an object. I look at my hands, and i wonder. Am i really a soul, that lives within this shell of flesh and bones? Am i really the soul? Is this just a house to put my soul and spirit in? I try to visualize myself, staring through my eyes. Looking at the world around me. My hands, every breathe i take, how real are they? As real as my soul? Another song reaches out to me. the lyrics echoing what i face, so often do i seek solace in music. They speak to me, like a close friend, putting in words what he sees, describing my experiences, my thoughts. How true. THey say, that television mirrors real life. Well, music to me, mirrors real feelings. To be precise, my feelings. WHenever i feel down, i feel lonely, somehow, a song would be present to tell me what i'm feeling there and then. How much of it applies to my life? My emotions? So much similarites, yet so often the song will finish in a blaze of glory, a climatic ending. THe chorus ringing in my mind's eye. Well, the lyrics that follows speak of how i feel. Yet how i wish it was not true! All i can do, is to live each day for as long as it is...
What’s the time? Seems it’s already morning. I see the sky, it’s so beautiful and blue. The tv’s on but the only thing showing Is a picture of you.
Oh I get up and make myself some coffee. I try to read a bit but the story’s too thin. I thank the lord above You’re not here to see me in this shape I’m in.
Spending my time, Watching the days go by. Feeling so small, I stare at the wall, Hoping that you think of me too. I’m spending my time.
I try to call but I don’t know what to tell you. I leave a kiss on your answering machine. Oh help me please, Is there someone who can make me Wake up from this dream?
Spending my time, Watching the days go by. Feeling so small, I stare at the wall, Hoping that you are missing me too. I’m spending my time, Watching the sun go down. I fall asleep to the sound Of tears of a clown, A prayer gone blind. I’m spending my time
My friends keep telling me: Hey, life will go on, Time will make sure I’ll get over you. This silly game of love - You play, you win only to lose.
I’m spending my time, Watching the days go by. Feeling so small, I stare at the wall, Hoping that you think of me too. I’m spending my time.
I’m spending my time, Watching the sun go down. I fall asleep to the sound Of tears of a clown, A prayer gone blind. I’m spending my time.
11:49 PM
Saturday, September 10, 2005
I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
‘Cause I’m broken when I'm open And I don’t feel like i am strong enough 'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonsome And i don't feel rite when your gone away
You're gone away; You don't feel me here anymore
The worst is over now and we can breathe again I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open And I don’t feel like I am strong enough ‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open And I don’t feel like I am strong enough ‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away
Somebody said they saw you The person you were kissing wasn't me And I would never ask you I just kept it to myself I don't wanna know If you're playin' me, keep it on the low Cuz my heart can't take it anymore And if you're creepin', please don't let it show Oh baby, I don't wanna know
I think about it when I hold you When looking in your eyes, I can't believe I don't need to know the truth Baby, keep it to yourself I don't wanna know If you're playin' me, keep it on the low Cuz my heart can't take it anymore And if you're creepin', please don't let it show Oh baby, I don't wanna know
Did he touch you better than me Did he watch you fall asleep Did you show him all those things That you used to do to me If you're better off that way Baby all that i can say so you do your thing and don't come back to me
i don't wanna know your whereabouts or how you movin i know when you in the house or when you cruisin its been proven, my love you abusin i can't understand how a man got you choosin undecided i came and provided, my undivided you came and denied it don't even try it, i know when you lyin don't even do thati know why you cryin i'm not applyin no pressure, just wanna let you know that i don't wanna let you go and i don't wanna let you leave can't say i didn't let you breathe gave you extra cheese put you in the SUV you wanted ice so i made you freeze made you hot like the west indies now its time you invest in me cause if not then its best you leave
Mario Winans
I Don't Wanna Know
9:28 PM
Saturday, September 03, 2005
Self-Realization
I have come to the self-realization, that i am a very emotional person. I realized, looking back at my past relationships, i seem to give my heart away too fast. Yes, thats right, whenever i'm in a relationship, or feel that i like the person, i just end up giving everything to her. Is that a mistake? I guess so. I guess, people like me always end up at the losing end.
What makes me so? Am i so involved in finding the right one that i keep hoping that the one i'm with is .. the One? What are my priorities? People who seem to live the fast life, the players, look happy, look to enjoy their lifestyle. Maybe, i'm just unlucky? Maybe not fated? Oh how i envy those who meet their near-perfect match. Of course not everyone's a perfect match, but i learnt that with timing, and chance.. practically half the battle is won. I don't have the timing, nor the chance like others do.
Maybe i just lack the guts, lack the courage like others have. Maybe i have to be strong, to be ruthless? Nuh, thats not me, I just happen to be a softie, somebody who cries at emotional scenes, who likes romance movies. Yeah.. i think i'm officially going into softie land. But can i change that? Can i be a macho, no holds barred ruthless person who can cut relationships off just like that? Can i harden my heart, to prevent it from being hurt, from others, and even myself?
That leaves much to be seen. Spent almost 2 hours, just sitting at Raffles City, looking at people walking by, looking at couples, and their happy faces. Wondering.. are they really happy? Listening to sweet music on my mp3. Taking those lyrics, those words, and seeing how much they apply in my life, my experiences.
Maybe, i pin too much hope on those that i like. Those whom i feel, i can get along with, those whom i am physically attracted to, those who can share with me. Whenever a person presents all these traits and qualities, i find myself fallin. Falling at an incredible rate, a rate of which is not to my advantage. A rate at which if it continues to keep up, will cause me unbearable amounts of pain and suffering. To be played isn't a good feeling. But that is my weakness.
What doesn't kill u, makes u stronger. Well, this doesn't kill me... but with every one, i grow weaker......
